Bitch by Meredith Brookes
OK so aside from being my number one karaoke pick this song title is pretty much how I feel about myself the last few days.
I have a friend who is currently going through a really tough time and me being the person that I am I want to help her, but, since the Greek Tragedy, I’ve been in a depressive slump myself. One of the things that my Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist drummed into me last year, before they set me free, was that I had to stop putting others first and think of myself and what was best for me. It would be more than fair to say that I HATE doing that. When a friend needs me I want to be there for them, but if I’m there for my friend at the moment, it’s going to drain me so much I’ll end up at rock bottom again. I’ve done it before and it takes months to even start getting well again.
This particular friend deals with things differently to me, she talks about what’s wrong, what’s bothering her and will go in circles until she feels that she’s found the solution to resolve it…and it works for her. However, I need to deal with it quietly, if I spend time with people I don’t want them to talk about how I am or why. I want, no, I need, them to be happy and, well, normal as if nothing is different and let me deal with things on my own. If I feel the need to share I write…or I see a professional. I guess that’s where the differences can show when you’re someone who gets low because something in your life isn’t right like my friend and when you’re someone who has a ‘mental health’ illness with chemicals not firing properly in the brain…sometimes there is just no good reason as much as you want there to be!
I know that my friend thinks I’ve been avoiding her, she’s been desperate to have a conversation with me about what she’s going through at the moment, and I guess in a non-intentional way I have. All of this lead to me emailing her yesterday (I would have spoken to her but I know that I couldn’t have said it to her and would have been drawn into helping) to say that I couldn’t be there for her, I explained how I’ve been feeling and that I just can’t take on any more, as much as I want to help and then told her I was really sorry. I feel awful for having to say that but I’ve helped her on several occasions in the past to my own detriment and I really have to look after myself first…if I don’t, nobody else will…right?
So why do I feel like such a bitch? Why do I feel like I’ve turned my back on a friend, a good friend, who needs me? Why doesn’t it feel OK to have said what I said, if I know it’s right?