Bitch

Bitch by Meredith Brookes

OK so aside from being my number one karaoke pick this song title is pretty much how I feel about myself the last few days.

I have a friend who is currently going through a really tough time and me being the person that I am I want to help her, but, since the Greek Tragedy, I’ve been in a depressive slump myself. One of the things that my Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist drummed into me last year, before they set me free, was that I had to stop putting others first and think of myself and what was best for me. It would be more than fair to say that I HATE doing that. When a friend needs me I want to be there for them, but if I’m there for my friend at the moment, it’s going to drain me so much I’ll end up at rock bottom again. I’ve done it before and it takes months to even start getting well again.

This particular friend deals with things differently to me, she talks about what’s wrong, what’s bothering her and will go in circles until she feels that she’s found the solution to resolve it…and it works for her. However, I need to deal with it quietly, if I spend time with people I don’t want them to talk about how I am or why. I want, no, I need, them to be happy and, well, normal as if nothing is different and let me deal with things on my own. If I feel the need to share I write…or I see a professional. I guess that’s where the differences can show when you’re someone who gets low because something in your life isn’t right like my friend and when you’re someone who has a ‘mental health’ illness with chemicals not firing properly in the brain…sometimes there is just no good reason as much as you want there to be!

I know that my friend thinks I’ve been avoiding her, she’s been desperate to have a conversation with me about what she’s going through at the moment, and I guess in a non-intentional way I have. All of this lead to me emailing her yesterday (I would have spoken to her but I know that I couldn’t have said it to her and would have been drawn into helping) to say that I couldn’t be there for her, I explained how I’ve been feeling and that I just can’t take on any more, as much as I want to help and then told her I was really sorry. I feel awful for having to say that but I’ve helped her on several occasions in the past to my own detriment and I really have to look after myself first…if I don’t, nobody else will…right?

So why do I feel like such a bitch? Why do I feel like I’ve turned my back on a friend, a good friend, who needs me? Why doesn’t it feel OK to have said what I said, if I know it’s right?

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3 thoughts on “Bitch

  1. You did the best thing you could Claire (I hate to say the right thing, I mean, who's the arbiter here?). Much better that you let her know how other people's problems could affect you for months and I'm sure she does understand. You confronted your fears and admitted the difficulties to her and to yourself and more power to you.

    Thanks for the 'Bitch' track but you seem to be so NOT a bitch.
    You're lovely x

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  2. I think you've done the best thing for the situation.

    As WSM has said it's a good thing now that your friend knows where you stand on this and that even though she may feel better at the end of talking it out, you may not. I don't think you're a bitch for doing it either, best things be out in the open than not, especially with close friends.

    At the end of the day there's nothing wrong in having time to oneself to heal, especially after something major like you had with Cyprus.

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  3. I agree with everyone above. You need to take care of yourself, first and foremost. If your friend, is really as good of a friend as you say she is, then she'll understand. I am sure that you are not the only person that she can talk to and ask for help and at the end of the day, sometimes we need to just help ourselves.

    I have been going through this same issue very recently but in reference to family. I finally decided that I need to take care of myself and that I am not responsible for taking care of everyone else and their well being. If I am not in a good place, than I need to come first.

    It is hard and you do feel selfish and unsupportive but at the end of the day, you won't be any good to anyone if you don't have your own well being and happiness. You have every right to love yourself first.

    I think the poem I posted the other day on my blog resonated with me because it is talking about something very similar to this.

    Keep focusing on your goals and getting better.

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