Almost The End

“If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.”
― Virginia Woolf

After writing this today, Jezebel’s lies tipped me over the edge and my ability to contain my emotions in a normal way completely failed me.

I felt pure white rage engulf my body and a desire to die so strong that not much was going to stop me. I cut and I cut at my arms in the hope that it would help take the pain away but all it did was give me a momentary respite to get my breath while my brain remembered everything Jezebel has said and done over the time we have lived in the house and the past few weeks especially just re-ignited that flame of rage.

She had been having post sent to the house, to lazy to tell people that she no longer lives there and in my rage I ripped those letters to shreds sick of being her errand girl forwarding her mail like a good little child. All I knew was this rage which had engulfed me and taken over, the loud buzzing in my ears which was drowning out my own screams of anguish as I desperately tried to claw my way to the surface of this episode.

I tried to leave the house, intent on going to face Jezebel, have it out with her woman to woman. Let her say those horrible things to my face, see of she had the courage to lie to my face with blood streaming down my arms and rage bouncing off me like tiny invisible balls.

My husband held me back, pulled me into the house and got hurt in the process. My neighbours must have thought someone was being murdered, but the police never turned up, so evidently people care as much as I think they do, not at all.

If I can’t face my attacker then my only choice is to end things, I can’t live like this. Afraid of my shadow, being put down by someone just because they own a house and I don’t. That’s my choice, I don’t want to own a house, I wouldn’t buy a house if I had a million pounds cash. But a woman like Jezebel doesn’t understand things like this. She’s a liar, and a bully, and materialistic. She wouldn’t understand the concept of a simple life.

I have only ever met one other person who lies as incessantly as she does, and he ended up in prison. I can hope.

I try to slit my wrists but my husband rips the knife out of my hand, I’m instead left with three cuts which won’t need stitches let alone help me die, another failed attempt. I’ve lost count how many of those I have now.

I am now with my parents while I try and piece myself together, I had to get away from that house, what was once my home, is now poison in my veins. It is ripping me apart and stopping me from having any chance of getting well, physically and especially not mentally, the worst part is that nobody who matters cares.

I could have killed myself over this today and nobody cares. When will landlords like Jezebel be held to account and be stopped from tormenting people. Do I actually have to die for councils, the police, the government to sit up and realise that people like this are terrorising the lives of normal people who are trying really hard to just live a normal life?

Today we nearly found out, I am terrified what tomorrow will bring.


4 thoughts on “Almost The End

  1. You are wrong. You said noone cares, I do. I pray your pain will be better. I know I can't really do anything for you, but you are worth it. You are awesome. You can make it. I hope you are ok.

    if you need to talk, I can't promise instant response, because I don't know what timezone you are in, I may be sleeping or at work – but use my URL coffeeandbipolar and put @ outlook dot com behind it.

    I'll write back when I see it. . .


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