“Maybe there’s a galaxy with a planet that’s just a little more tilted, with a sun that shines just a little bit darker, and that’s where I’m supposed to be, where it somehow makes sense to feel this broken.”
― Amy Reed, Crazy
I feel like I am at war…a psychological war. Where Jezebel is throwing mortar bombs at me and I am ducking and diving trying to steer clear of them for fear that if any of them hit I will break into a million pieces. Some days I avoid her bombs and just see the situation objectively, much like I did when I wrote the post yesterday. Other days, they hit me…hard…like today.
Today, I paid what was owing on the rent, as promised as we received our first housing benefit payment yesterday. I felt good about that, I HATE owing money, I especially HATE owing rent, I’ve never owed rent before, and even being a few weeks in arrears was killing me, even to someone as inherently cruel as Jezebel.
Jezebel thanked me by sending an email mortar bomb which just hit me right where I needed to be hit so I could explode. I’m really sick today. I almost passed out at the bank paying her stupid rent because I’m so sick then she not only doesn’t acknowledge that I’ve paid it she is damn right obnoxious and looking for a fight.
I know she is looking for a rise, she wants me to react the way I am, but she wants me to do it to her face. My instinct is to go to her house and kick her face in. I can feel the anger boiling inside of me like water on a stove, but I won’t, it is more likely I would hurt myself or take my own life before I hurt anybody else…even her.
She riles up this reaction in me and I call the mental health team, and my Mum. So many people have their time wasted because of Jezebel. She has broken and keeps breaking the law, yet she keeps digging herself deeper into the ground. My internal war with myself is hard as my gut reactions to how she acts and what she says is hard.
I’m living in fear that she will turn up when I am here alone. She’s made so many veiled threats and had a very threatening man involved aswell and I hate that I have to spend time in this house alone. The solicitor is trying hard to get me my deposit back so I can leave this house and find somewhere new to live with a normal landlord who doesn’t have Jezebel’s psychotic tendencies.
In the mean time, I have to try and control my own emotions, not react when she sends her mortar bombs flying this way. Continue to ask for help from anyone and everyone who will listen when it comes to landlord’s like this.
As afraid as I am, and as hard as I am finding it to cope I believe in standing up because, I don’t like landlords in general being given a bad name, every landlord I’ve had until Jezebel has been brilliant and shouldn’t be tarred with the same brush. I also really don’t want someone moving into this house after me and having to go through the awful experiences I have had to go through.
Nobody should be scared in their home…and right now I’m terrified every second of every day.