“If I can’t feel, if I can’t move, if I can’t think, and I can’t care, then what conceivable point is there in living?”
― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
Am in so much pain the past few days. A reminder that my body is attacking me from the inside out. Am on the top dose of all four pain medications I have and they are doing nothing to handle the pain, in addition my stomach is so swollen I am yet again looking about 7 months pregnant, but no, it’s just my bowel in a lovely swollen state.
When I am in so much pain, it really does defeat me how after so many tests they still have no idea what is wrong with me. My next test is booked in for mid-June. The results of that won’t come in until at least Mid-July then by the time my consultant goes through them I’m looking at August for any news.
I’m so sick of this whole palavar, and if I’m honest it does my state of mind no good at all. Last night every time I dozed off to sleep I would be woken up by the sharp pains in my stomach. It was a horrendous night, and has resulted in my Husband now wanting me to go to hospital.
My issue with going to A&E is that I’ve done this so many times in the past and they admit me onto a surgical ward, which makes no sense as my problem is not surgical.
They debate if I have appendicitis, even though I will tell them multiple times my appendices were removed 13 years ago, and I have a huge keloid scar which should be something of a giveaway for them.
They then transfer me to a gynological ward to see if I have a problem with my ovaries because I had cysts removed a few times in my early twenties. Then when they have eliminated those they will send me back to the surgical ward.
I will then be left in a corner of the ward, given the same pain medication I take at home for 3-4 days while they pretend they know what they are doing. All the time I can’t eat anything because the hospital are useless at providing meals for people who are gluten free and have food allergies.
They will then send me home and tell me to speak to my consultant.
This process has happened to me so many times that I would just rather stay home and suffer! At least I don’t have to be in a room with 20 other people, I have food I can eat, and my own things around me and internet access.
My mood is dipping considerably low though, I feel hopeless, sad, and at a complete dead end. What kind of life is this? If I knew what was wrong with me at least I would know what I was battling, but instead I’m clueless, the doctors are clueless and all I have to help are loads of painkillers which aren’t helping.
Life is really sucking at the moment.