“Enough is not a quantity. It’s a deadline.”
― Sean Donahue
I’ve had a few, shall we say, awkward situations develop recently which today came to a head. One very directly the other more indirectly but in both cases my ability to continue playing nice and being the good guy who said and did the right thing came to a head.
I come from one of those very nicey nicey families where everyone beats around the bush afraid to hurt others feelings…I say everyone. I wasn’t born with this filter, it caused lots of problems for me as a child and teenager and I have had to learn as an adult when to keep my mouth shut.
In most cases, these days, I do. I’ve learned that actually it is easier to just let things go sometimes, let your personal feelings about a person or a situation fall to the roadside. However, unlike most of my family, I do still feel the need to “let rip” on occasion. To just tell it like it is, to stop holding back for the sake of saving some feelings, often this is not because the culprit has hurt my feelings, but because they have inflicted damage on someone I love.
This morning I learned of one situation where someone I cared for had been very badly upset because of someone else saying things about me which had caused a huge family upheaval. These things were untrue and I reacted by unceremoniously uninviting the person who started the whole thing from my house at Christmas. It was hurtful given when she arrived in the country I spent a week showing her around and trying to make her welcome despite being ill, but again it was the fact another member of my family had been caused upset about the situation which really angered me. Simply put…you have a problem with me, tell me! Whatever she thought she would get from her escapades and trying to pull the entire family into the drama backfired.
Then my brother-in-law makes a snide comment to my mother and I on Facebook. Now firstly a huge groan for Facebook…the more time that goes on the more I just fecking hate that site, is being a social media consultant worth having an account?! Secondly, this is the umpteenth time this has been done to me on Facebook by the BIL. He hates me, this is no secret. I know for a fact he slags me off behind my back because it’s got back to me. What angered me this time was the comment was targeted at my Mum aswell. How dare he? Nothing mean had been said by either of us to deserve his snide-ness but still like that stopped him. So I retaliated. Not particularly grown up of me but I’m done being quiet and letting him be the bully.
Today has been a really hard day, I’ve needed Diazepam to cope with the anxiety. I’ve cut, I’ve cried, and I’ve been so angry I would probably have murdered either of the people who have caused the issues had they been in my vicinity.
I feel drained, I think anyone would feel drained in this situation, but does being bipolar make us more susceptible to reacting to these things? For me this is normal. Something sparks the fuse and you blow, but as I said before the rest of my family don’t handle things like this, my Husband doesn’t. So maybe this is more my Bipolar than a normal reaction. It is certainly the only part of my biological Father I carry!
All I know is Ive probably burned some bridges today, some I don’t really care about, others will be harder to mend.