Washed Out

“Did you really want to die?”
“No one commits suicide because they want to die.”
“Then why do they do it?”
“Because they want to stop the pain.”
― Tiffanie DeBartolo, How to Kill a Rock Star

I tried to kill myself today… I didn’t try hard enough.

I doubt my Sister and I will ever speak again, I doubt I will ever see my Niece again. I kept my side of the argument between us, but she put her venom into the public domain, things she can never take back and I will never forgive.

I was planning to apologise for my part in the argument, I had said things I wanted to say but not in the way I had meant them. They came out cold and mean as things do in arguments. My plan had been to sit down and explain some concerns and worries I had as a Sister. That chance has now passed. Our relationship is dust, like a staked vampire.

After seeing what she wrote about me here on this blog, to know my own flesh and blood thinks of me that way, in addition to having argued I felt no more reason to live. I tried calling my support team for help but they didn’t want to know so I took steps. I’ve learned from past mistakes, I won’t make those mistakes again, I will be successful the next time I try. But my Husband stopped me getting far enough into my attempt.

Maybe tomorrow…it’s time for my pain and the pain I cause to end.


2 thoughts on “Washed Out

  1. I know this sounds trite in times of turbulence and pain, but “this too shall pass.” I've tried to die 3 times. Failed every time. But those are failures I can live with now. I know how hard it is to hold on when your soul is replaced with a nuclear bomb and the radiating pain causes your mind to melt. I've been there. But hold on anyway. Time is your friend.


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