“We all do things we desperately wish we could undo. Those regrets just become part of who we are, along with everything else. To spend time trying to change that, well, it’s like chasing clouds.”
― Libba Bray
Warning: this post will contain triggers please don’t read if you are feeling sensitive or on edge.
It’s now been almost 48 hrs since I slashed my wrists and took an overdose. As I said in yesterday’s post guilt kicked in while I was halfway through taking the planned overdose and my love for my Husband had me wake him up. It was touch and go this time while I was let out of hospital after 18hrs the first 10hrs had me in resuscitation and acute care.
I had acidic blood poisoning, was a heart attack risk and my liver and kidneys were at risk. And all this from stopping halfway through my planned overdose.
I have regrets, but not as people expect. I regret stopping, I regret not finishing the overdose and finishing myself off. I regret letting my heart over-rule my head so that my pain could continue. If everything above happened from stopping then I would have succeeded had I taken everything I had planned to
I don’t want to live, I don’t want to be this person anymore. I’m hated by all but a few people and one of the people I thought I could trust most in the world is one of the people who hates me most. I now doubt every relationship in my life. I can’t tell anyone this because then they will doubt me more than they already do.
I prayed so hard in that hospital for the results to stop improving, for something to go terribly wrong so that I would die, but it didn’t happen. Now I’m stuck, living a life I no longer want and am tired of fighting my own illness to keep.