My Final Entry

Today I was told by someone close to me that I was “equally responsible” for the situation that lead to my suicide attempt this week.

Equally responsible for being bullied online for over 18months and not saying a word until this week, equally responsible for having people come to me and tell me the awful things being said about me and my mental illness to them behind my back and not rising to the bait.

I accepted responsibility for arguing with the person who was sent to defend the guilty party after I finally retaliated this week. I should have told the, to get that person to face me themselves and not hide behind a computer and their partner. But I didn’t and I said some hurtful things to that person. For that I am guilty, for that I accept responsibility.

I am apparently equally responsible for a comment which was left on this blog, a blog nobody close to me was supposed to know about or read, a comment that when I thought someone else had written it and said so, the bully still didn’t own up and come forward. (The post and comment have now been removed for my own sanity)

I then tried to kill myself…while I was in hospital fighting for my life. The bully posted something on Facebook, named me, and my entire family saw it. Apparently it was abhorrent, I don’t know what it says, I had already closed my facebook account and don’t want to know the details. But now I am told I am equally responsible for this.

I was told by the hospital I should report this bully to the police for online hate crimes because the crux is I’m bipolar and that is why they hate me so much because they think it’s all an act. But my family asked me not to….after all, I am equally responsible for this persons actions!

The people closest to me have turned against me to save their relationship with someone else. Blaming me seems easier because I am more forgiving than that person. But I already regret stopping my overdose, I already regret waking my Husband to get help. I already regret living.

And being given that much responsibility in a situation where I have been bullied so vigorously for so long and only retaliated once by the people who know me best and who I have already apologised to till I’m blue in the face has just made me determined to end my life once and for all.

I will not give up…nothing and no one will save me now.

Goodbye dear blog friends, over the past months you have been a great support but my time is now up. Good luck to you all.

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11 thoughts on “My Final Entry

  1. Please know that I care about you. You can get through this situation. It's only temporary. There's no way I can know how you feel exactly right now, but I have been depressed and I have come through with the help of others and medicine. Please consider telling your husband or your family or a clergy member about how you're feeling right now. Or consider calling one of the centers below. Sending so much love your way!

    Distress Centres Ontario
    Ontario
    Website: dcontario.org
    (DCO) Distress Centre Niagara
    Ontario
    Hotline: +1 (905) 688 3711
    Hotline: 905 734 1212/905 382 0689
    Website: dcontario.org
    (DCO) Telecare Distress Centre Brampton
    Ontario
    Hotline: +1 (905) 459 7777
    Website: telecarebrampton.org
    (DCO) Distress Centre Lanark, Leeds & Grenville
    Ontario
    Hotline: 1 800 465 4442
    Website: dcontario.org
    (DCO) Distress Centre Durham
    Ontario
    Hotline: +1 (905) 433-1121
    Website: distresscentredurham.com
    (DCO) Telecare Distress Centre Etobicoke
    Ontario
    Hotline: +1(416) 247-5426
    Website: webhome.idirect.com/~tdce
    (DCO) Distress Line Grey & Bruce
    Ontario
    Hotline: 1 888 371 8485
    Website: dcontario.org
    (DCO) Tel-Aide Jewish Distress Centre
    Ontario
    Hotline: ++ 1 (416) 636-9610
    Website: dcontario.org
    (DCO) Distress Centre Hamilton
    Ontario
    Hotline: ++ 1 (905) 525-8611
    Website: dcontario.org
    (DCO) Distress Centre London & District
    Ontario
    Hotline: +1 (519) 667-6711
    Website: londondistresscentre.com
    (DCO) North Halton Distress Centre
    Ontario
    Hotline: +1 (905) 877-1211
    Website: dcontario.org
    (DCO) Distress Centre Oakville
    Ontario
    Hotline: +1 (905) 849 4541
    Website: distresscentreoakville.com/
    (DCO) Distress Centre Ottawa & Region
    Ontario
    Hotline: +1 (613) 238 3311
    Website: dcottawa.on.ca

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  2. Samaritans UK & ROI
    National
    Contact by: Face to Face – Phone – Letter: – E-mail:
    Hotline: +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90 (UK – local rate)
    Hotline: +44 (0) 8457 90 91 92 (UK minicom)
    Hotline: 1850 60 90 90 (ROI – local rate)
    Hotline: 1850 60 90 91 (ROI minicom)
    Website: samaritans.org
    E-mail Helpline: jo@samaritans.org
    24 Hour service:

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  3. Don't keep all this sadness inside you, share it with people who love you, give them a chance to show you what you mean to them. If you go just like that, not telling anyone how you feel, you won't know how much they really care for you and how much they are ready to do to prove it.

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  4. Please don't do this. Whatever has happened or been said is nothing compared to the value of your life. You are worth more. I'm so sorry that you have been made to feel responsible for another's cruel actions. It's not your fault. Please call the suicide line listed by Nathan. Wishing you well and dearly hoping you get through this. Hugs.

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  5. Please don't hurt yourself. You are worth more than this. I'm sorry that you are being held for the cruel actions of another and that you have been tormented by this person for months. But killing yourself gives them power. Living gives you power. Please, please, call one of the numbers listed by Nate. Wishing you well and hoping you are holding on to life. The world needs you.

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  6. Please please please get help. You are not responsible for any of that. You are sick. I know you know this. You should also know that for everyone there who is not supporting you, there are hundreds more out here that do. All of us at yeah write, for starters. And so many more. Please reach out if you need to. XOXO.

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  7. I don't really know you, and I don't pretend to know how you feel, but please don't quit. It is so final. I'm sure there is help to feel better. I'm sure people love you. I'm sure you can recover from this moment. Please live.

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  8. Please don't do this. People care about you, whether you believe it or not. You also deserve the chance to live, to make it to the other side. I've been depressed, sought treatment, and it does get better. Please use some of the resources Nate mentioned.

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  9. I am bipolar also and have battled both the mania and the depression you've written about. Mania and depression lie to us, they tell our minds horrible frightening tales about our worth. Whatever part of your brain that is telling you to do this is lying to you. The feelings are chemicals, not reality. Do not let this illness win. You are worthy.There are people who care. There are people who can help you. I care. The whole community that battles this illness is behind you. You are not alone.

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