Today I was told by someone close to me that I was “equally responsible” for the situation that lead to my suicide attempt this week.
Equally responsible for being bullied online for over 18months and not saying a word until this week, equally responsible for having people come to me and tell me the awful things being said about me and my mental illness to them behind my back and not rising to the bait.
I accepted responsibility for arguing with the person who was sent to defend the guilty party after I finally retaliated this week. I should have told the, to get that person to face me themselves and not hide behind a computer and their partner. But I didn’t and I said some hurtful things to that person. For that I am guilty, for that I accept responsibility.
I am apparently equally responsible for a comment which was left on this blog, a blog nobody close to me was supposed to know about or read, a comment that when I thought someone else had written it and said so, the bully still didn’t own up and come forward. (The post and comment have now been removed for my own sanity)
I then tried to kill myself…while I was in hospital fighting for my life. The bully posted something on Facebook, named me, and my entire family saw it. Apparently it was abhorrent, I don’t know what it says, I had already closed my facebook account and don’t want to know the details. But now I am told I am equally responsible for this.
I was told by the hospital I should report this bully to the police for online hate crimes because the crux is I’m bipolar and that is why they hate me so much because they think it’s all an act. But my family asked me not to….after all, I am equally responsible for this persons actions!
The people closest to me have turned against me to save their relationship with someone else. Blaming me seems easier because I am more forgiving than that person. But I already regret stopping my overdose, I already regret waking my Husband to get help. I already regret living.
And being given that much responsibility in a situation where I have been bullied so vigorously for so long and only retaliated once by the people who know me best and who I have already apologised to till I’m blue in the face has just made me determined to end my life once and for all.
I will not give up…nothing and no one will save me now.
Goodbye dear blog friends, over the past months you have been a great support but my time is now up. Good luck to you all.