A Spoken Choir

*Trigger Warning*

I’ve spent this Easter weekend battling some new demons. Four new voices so vivid and real that I keep turning around and expecting to see people stood around me. These are not friendly voices, they are cruel, destructive and persuasive. Triggering my urges to hurt myself and unusually others.

I’ve previously experienced my own voice talking to me in this way, sometimes in a friendly, conversational manner; sometimes in a cruel, destructive, way. But different voices, all female, but unfamiliar are new and quite honestly scary.

My weekend has been awful, I’ve relied on the mental health crisis team to guide me through with tips on how to manage. But with lack of sleep I have been worn down and by this morning was on the edge of defeat. Thoughts of hurting myself are overwhelming me right now. My head feels full and ready to explode.

I called the Crisis Team again at 8am this morning, at 12pm my GP called me having just spoken to them. She discussed with me what has happened since she saw me last week. The mental health team have told her they can’t see me for 2-3 weeks, she had asked them for a 72hr turnaround but said having now spoken to me she was going to change that to 24hrs, but given what they said not to hold my breath. In the mean time she has given me a prescription for some Lorazepam to try and cope a little better and will see me tomorrow. 

Of course, another spanner had to be thrown in the works and my local chemist on receiving the faxed prescription directly from my doctor with detailed notes on only issuing it to my Husband refused to issue it saying they had to have the original. So almost six hours later I am still without medication, I’ve had a huge meltdown, cut myself, and my Husband is terrified to leave me i case things get worse.

My GP surgery isn’t amused as Lorazepam isn’t a controlled medication so a faxed prescription shouldn’t be refused. 

I sometimes wonder if I had cancer or similar and had a major issue with my health that put my life at risk like this would the NHS and pharmacies so easily fob me off? There is so much stigma attached to people with mental health problems and so little care and support, but when one of us loses the fight, and believe me it’s a darn hard fight every single day, we are criticised and told we were cowards who took the easy way out.

So, here I am, with my Husband now having hidden all the meds, knives and my car keys. I’m not to leave the house alone at the moment. Back to being watched like a hawk, and I should be medicated with tranquilisers so I’m more unable to act on the voices wishes and my urges but instead am continuing my battle with no medication which is wearing me very very thin.

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