Betrayed or the Betrayer?

I’ve always considered myself one of the lucky ones. Yes I have a mental illness, and yes it is super hard work every day fighting myself. But, I have always believed I have a good support network around who truly understand.

For me there are certain things I believe are important:

  1. To have a support network you can be 100% honest with, who understand your illness and understand what you may do or say whilst in the throws of your illness is not intentional but an outcome of your illness.
  2. I truly believe in the Time to Change campaign and try as often as possible to be open and honest about my illness and encourage those within my support network to do the same.
  3. To take no prisoners, if people can’t accept me as I am, illness included, then they will be unceremoniously kicked to the curb. One of the reasons I have so few friends. (See previous Post)

Following my hospital visit on Sunday courtesy of my failed suicide attempt I wanted to speak to one of the pivotal people in my support network, my Mum. But she didn’t answer the phone.

The day went on and I tried several more times and each of my calls went unanswered. I asked my Husband to text and ask if she was purposely ignoring me, by this point I was getting very upset and starting to lose my grip on reality again.

Her reply to him was that she was ignoring me, she felt betrayed and needed time.

This raised hundreds of questions for me, so many I spiralled into crisis at a rapid speed and had to call the crisis line for help to try and prevent a second A&E trip in as many days. Something they said to me was quite poignant and helped me find some focus to pause the spiral.

They said some families aren’t good at carrying out the roles of support networks, that they take some of our actions personally, forgetting and/or not realising we have no control over them. I was advised that I may find it easier to accept that my Mum is no longer part of my support network, if I feel that the events of the day could be repeated in future if something happens she doesn’t like or understand.

I came off the phone and hit Amazon, I found a book on Bipolar Disorder which has been recommended by many parents in wanting to understand the illness, and I sent her a gift copy with a note saying ignoring me doesn’t help. Today I printed an information leaflet from Mind and posted it to her with a note explaining why ignoring me was so hurtful and damaging to my health.

I will link to both of these at the end of this post for those who are interested.

This morning she text me like nothing had happened which tipped me back into a spiral. Firstly because she never asked if I was OK, secondly she never acknowledged completely ignoring me for an entire day when I really needed her, thirdly she told me how she’d just got back from the hairdressers, something we had been planning to do together.

I am currently experiencing my first ever Mania, I’ve only experienced Hypomania before this. I’m also experiencing auditory hallucinations which I was told on Sunday sound like they could be early schizophrenia. If ever I needed my Mum it’s now, but I feel so angry and so betrayed by her actions yesterday that I feel she must take time to truly understand that my actions, even suicidal actions, are not personal.

Right now though we are standing two sides of a double edged sword, she feels I betrayed her and I feel she betrayed me.

UPDATE: Friday, 17th April
I woke up this morning and decided I couldn’t let things carry on with my Mum and I not speaking. The first thing I did was call her and got instant hostility, I knew this wasn’t going to go well but just how badly I didn’t realise.

She told me the world didn’t revolve around me and if she needed time because she was upset she could have it. I agreed but said she could have at least sent a text message instead of letting me phone over and over again being ignored, she said everyone always ignores her (?!) I haven’t worked that one out yet because she firmly places herself in the centre of everything and most of the family bow to her every word! I’m the only one who challenges her.

Anyway, she went on to say she didn’t know what I expected that “she had kept me and looked after me regardless of the illness” confirming my feelings I was born a demon and considered the black sheep of the family. More than that it confirmed I was never wanted….double whammy both my biological parents hate me!

I stupidly, said something I’ve always kept to myself, that bipolar is genetic and her family is riddled so I can thank her for the lovely gift. ┬áReally really stupid and petty but how do you come back from being told you were unwanted?!

The thing I’m most confused about is she always gets nasty with me after a suicide attempt. If she didn’t want me anyway she should be glad I’m trying to get out of the way permanently. Maybe it’s guilt she didn’t just abort me or give me up as a child so I was someone else’s problem.

All I know for sure is the way my family works is the black sheep has been shunned and the rest will follow her and leave me in the cold. I will have no allies in this.

Links Mentioned Above

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