Locked Inside My Head

Wonder WomanI spend a lot of time talking about how having bipolar affects my life in terms of depression and anxiety. I’ve talked about self harm, suicide, and various other things.

I want to be sure I talk about other aspects of having bipolar aswell, some of it isn’t bad, and some of it, like today is just plain, well, crazy.

My illness leans more towards the depressive end of the spectrum and most normal days I score myself 2-4 on the mood spectrum, but I do creep towards the top end of the mood spectrum fairly regularly. Today was rated a 8, to have hit a 9 I would have needed to start believing the hallucinations I was having and starting to get a bit delusional, and to be fair I was close a few times today.

So, let’s give you an idea what happens when I hit an 8, many people I speak to, think it must be ‘fun’ to have an inflated mood. I guess in some ways in can be, the inflated confidence, reduced anxiety, self importance, wanting to get out of the house and do things. None of these are particularly bad things. Until you put them into someone who is actually sick and getting sicker.

This is what people forget, I look fine, I sound fine, but even with mood stabilisers and anti-psychotics I am on the edge of the world blowing up completely.

(NB I have written this the night before publishing so apologies for any confusion on past/present tense here…I’m a bit too hyped at the moment to figure it out)!

I woke up this morning smiling, bearing in mind I had to take my full ammunition of prescribed medications last night to sleep as by 3am I was still wide awake. I had about 4-5 hours. Normally that much medication takes me out for about 9 hours and I am lethargic for a few days after. Today though I woke up like the energizer bunny.

I suggested to Hubby we go to the shopping centre for a few things (spending money *warning*), so we went out for the bus and off to the shops. It is worth adding here, I hate shopping, I will avoid shops at all costs, I do ALL my shopping online, Hubby does the vast majority of our grocery shopping. So for me to suggest going to shops…well…

The first thing that made me realise I wasn’t doing well was in the shopping mall bathroom. On going in their was a child, stood where the queue would normally start, I asked if they were queuing or waiting for their Mum. While this quick exchange was happening, an old lady barged past me pushing me into the child.

Normally, I would have forgotten needing the bathroom ran back out to Hubby and insisted we go home in floods of tears. But today was an 8 and when I’m at an 8 I shout, loudly, at said old lady about being rude and pushing people around, so loud in fact that the entire bathroom goes quiet and listens to me ripping ten shreds off the woman. (BTW I don’t regret yelling at her, she was rude, could have said excuse me, and certainly didn’t need to barge me out of the way so I almost knocked a poor child over…)

I then found myself starting to hallucinate, it was as though the anger brought it on with everything in my vision looking as though it was stuck behind a wall of extreme heat, the way it is when you look through flames or at a wall on a hot day. I had that hallucination until I was able to take more medication when I got home so about 5 hours!

When we went for some lunch I was chatty with the waitress, I wasn’t timid about needing gluten free (which I normally am really apologetic about). I ordered a dessert and made a big deal about how wonderful it was (It was). I felt confident and happy.

Ten minutes later I was shouting at someone else for not showing consideration for pedestrians and being a poser in their car. A little while later I was yelling at a line of car drivers queuing to leave the car park who wouldn’t stop to let us walk across. Yep I was that arms flailing mad woman who shouts at random people in their cars!

Once we had got the bus back and had got off at our local bus stop a gang of youths (we have a lot of them here) were sat by a lane we had to go up. One of them made a snarky comment to Hubby and I had a huge flash of anger and had the most vivid hallucination of me grabbing that cocky kid and pinning him against a wall and stabbing him.

It was so real it terrified me, I dealt with that by picking a fight with Hubby so the rest of the way home we were shouting at each other.

Whilst being in a hypomanic state can be quite liberating, it can also be terrifying. You are trapped by your mind, on the edge of reality. You say and do things you have no control over. Each time I was shouting, I was having an internal argument telling myself to zip it.

I came to bed early to try and calm down, I ended up playing loud music and headbanging in bed!

And so I turned to writing this blog which seems to at least be keeping me still! I also left you this video, the song came on while I was writing and inspired my post title.

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