The Crash Pad Moment

Dark AngelI realised today that it has been a while since I’ve written a mental health related post on here myself, I’ve posted a few from guests but I haven’t actually written any myself for a while.

I find it hard to open up when I’m deep in depression, it’s easier to focus on the mundane, or to do things which don’t require me admitting quite how sick I am, and so an influx of reading and book reviews happen.

The truth is, this time two weeks ago I was a the peak of hypomania, I was suffering with severe psychosis and I was heading for my “Crash Pad” moment. That’s what I call it, that moment where the world shifts from high to low, up to down.

I experience hypomania different from the “textbook” definition, at least that is what my care co-ordinator tells me. I am high, hyperactive, chatty, obsessive about tasks, exercise, completing my lists. I count, time, and note things religiously.

I have days where I am higher than others though, this is where I’m told I’m different, I don’t know this is normaly to me when I’m in this “phase”. I go from very hypo to off the charts borderline manic. I reach the point I’m almost delusional.

I don’t quite reach delusional, and I have inordinate amounts of empathy for people who have the type of Bipolar which comes with full mania. Just coping with hypomania is beyond words some days.

The psychosis wears me down, I get tired, exhausted battling visions, sounds, voices. Once this starts I know the “crash pad” moment isn’t far off. Last time it took a couple of weeks.

Sometimes it happens during the day, I will have a breakdown of sorts which is usually quite explosive and often ends with me in hospital.

This time I woke up on the Monday morning, my chest cramped with the overwhelming weight of depression. That and every morning since I’ve negotiated with myself to get out of bed. I know from past experience if I don’t get out of bed for even one day I’m done.

I’ve struggled to find purpose, the depression clouding my vision. I’ve become a recluse, It’s now been 4 weeks since I have gone anywhere further than my front porch (twice). The last of summer has passed me by through my lounge window.

Next week I will go out, I have to. I have an appointment with my new Psychiatrist. I’m dreading it, the anxiety is already at it’s height. But I know I have to get out of my front door, I have to start living again.

This is my first step, reminding myself to write these things down, my second step is walking out of the door, then getting on the bus.

I’ve done it before I will again.

This illness can cripple us, it often does, I’m always learning, ever evolving. I want to live with this illness not be controlled by it. At the moment I’m weaker than it, but that won’t last.

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3 thoughts on “The Crash Pad Moment

  1. Wow, does your post today resonate with me. Funny (strange term to use, I know) how we can all be diagnosed differently, but share so many of the same symptoms. I, too, have lost the last bit of summer. It has been a struggle for me to leave my house as well. For the last four-five weeks, even going to the store for something simple sends me into a state of panic. Sometimes I can force myself to go, and sometimes it is just easier to put it off until another day when I’m not feeling so anxious. I just want you to know that you are not alone in this. I’m glad you’re fighting back – it’s just so damn hard sometimes, and there is a small comfort knowing that other people know what I struggle with, it makes me feel less alone. I hope this phase passes for you soon. *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Kristen,
      Thank you for your lovely and thoughtful comment.
      You are right many of us with many different diagnoses are suffering with very similar issues. I’m sorry you are going through a similar time right now, part of the reason I felt compelled to write this post was I knew from speaking with people on Twitter that there are a several of us who have hit a rough patch in one way or another.
      I send you my best wishes, strength and love to get well and overcome your current challenges.
      Claire

      Like

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