Trigger Warning: Mild Reference Self Harm
When I started this year and decided to go for a more positive approach to things I didn’t forget that life throws crap at you and I didn’t forget that I have Bipolar which throws unpredictable mood swings at you. What I did forget is that everything can happen at the same time and turn your brain into a violent volcano, this week my brain became that volcano.
Monday, I woke up and started my day just like I have been since I started my new routine. I started my day and got going. Then it started. First my Husband’s new motorbike which was supposed to be delivered, wasn’t going to show up, then there was a whole palava over when they could deliver that didn’t fit with when I could be home (agghhhh) in the end we had to change the delivery to my parents address so my Mum could take delivery of it. We would have picked it up but it was being delivered from Dorset so not so easy!
Next up I needed to do some work on the book blog, I booted up the laptop and nada, totally blank. OK, not the end of the world I know a few tricks around this (including a restart 😉 ) an hour and all my tricks, 8 restarts and no luck later I’m starting to feel the stress, I’ve spoken to IT Support (aka Bro) and he’s given a few more tips but still nothing so now the laptop is packed up and waiting go over to visit him. (Update: nothing was wrong with laptop, Bro looked at it on Wednesday and it booted up with no issues, I think it just sensed Monday was pick on Claire day!)
I ended up working on my blog on my iPad which is a total nightmare, I’ve set myself up to fail the way I’ve formatted the blogs because it’s a nightmare doing it on anything but a laptop. A post that normally takes me about 30 mins took me over three hours on the iPad which also added to the stress I was feeling.
While all this was going on other smaller, seemingly insignificant things kept going wrong through the day aswell, spilling a drink, tripping over a wire, phone battery dying etc etc.
Our Smart Meter was due to be installed and the engineer didn’t arrive until near the end of time I had been given (turns out I wasn’t the only one having a bad day, he wasn’t the engineer who was supposed to have been coming, my original engineer had got a puncture and couldn’t make it hence him being late). There was a problem during the install and my flat filled up with gas (man that stank!) and by the time he finished I was over an hour late leaving to pick up the Hubs from work.
When I left to pick him up, someone decided to drive on my side of the road, towards me and almost took me out headlong. Scariest driving moment ever, no lie.
By the time I got home with Hubs and had recounted everything to him I was a boiling, shaking, ranting mess. All the stress and annoyance of the day had hit me hard and after taking something he said the wrong way and flying off of the handle my only outlet (at least I felt like it…you know how it goes) was to cut.
It’s the first time I’ve cut in over a year so I feel completely gutted and sad that I was pushed to that limit, but I’m also yet again reminded that this is the cycle of life with Bipolar, just when you think you’ve nailed life the Bipolar punches you in the gut.
I’m not giving up on my positivity kick but I’m going to try and be a bit more realistic with it.