The Monster in my Mind

March 5th, one of those days I wish I could erase from the year completely, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try today makes me think of the man who has always been and always be a monster for me…my biological father. Today is his birthday which means I automatically remember as much as I try to forget, never write it down and haven’t seen him since I was a teenager.

My biological father is a nasty piece of work. When we were together as a family he was abusive and violent, my poor Mum still lives with the effects of that violence now due to damage to her spine. His alcoholism reached levels that make me wonder how he is still alive, I can’t even comprehend how someone can physically consume so much alcohol for such a sustained period of time and not have their liver shrivel up and run away. This is coming from someone who is a self-confessed alcoholic and has consumed pretty hefty amounts of alcohol in her time although learned from said father’s mistakes and quit drinking!

When I was a kid he would use me like a showpiece, take me to the pub and have me perform for his friends…literally perform, sing or take one of my instruments to play.  He would often not show up at all and I would be that kid they show in the movies sitting on the windowsill with her forehead pinned to the window for hours until I was pulled away screaming because I wanted to see my Dad.

I was twelve the first time he turned his temper on me, it was also the last, my parents were already divorced by then and my Mum remarried to the wonderful man I still call Dad. The father had taken me on a two week holiday and on one of the first nights he got tremendously drunk and when I answered him back about something (which was really not uncommon with me as a child, or in fact as an adult come to think of it!) he turned into The Monster, and I experienced my first hand beating. I had witnessed a lot of what had happened when him and my Mum was married so I knew what he was capable of but to experience it taught me a lot. The first being, never again. Those bruises, that pain both physical and emotional, taught me he was never doing that to me again. I rode out that holiday and when I got home I wrote him a letter telling him to stay away from me and I never wanted to see him again.

He arranged with his Mum to be there when I went to visit her once when I was fourteen and all that accomplished was, me walking out to the nearest phone box and calling for my parents to pick me up and I never saw her again either as I had told her that I would continue seeing her on the condition he had nothing to do with it and was never allowed in the house when I was there.

In my late twenties I went through a stage where I wanted contact with him again and we started emailing, I realised that we were worlds apart in so many ways as we spoke and things he suggested we could do to hang out sounded really unpleasant to me. Then one day he just stopped replying to me.

About a week later someone passed me a news story from the local paper that made my blood run cold, a man with my father’s name had been jailed for internet stalking of a twelve year old girl, he had had a relationship with this girl and some of the things he had said were shocking. I contacted the lead detective and explained who I was, and after he had done some digging to verify my relationship he confirmed that it was my father. At first I was ashamed to be associated with someone who had gone to prison for basically paedophilia, but then I realised I’m  not associated with him. I haven’t been associated with this man for more than half my life and for the time I was associated with him he was doing pretty atrocious things to me.

He is a monster. I like to believe there is good in all people, that even people who commit crimes still have some good in them, but with him I don’t think there is, I think there is something very wrong with him.

He used to haunt me, give me nightmares, and had a huge impact on my mental health especially as a child, but it has been by talking about my experiences, the type of person he is, what he has done, and reminding myself that he is a really bad person that I can feel well about it.

So yes it is his birthday, and that means he’s become forefront in my mind, but tomorrow he will go back to being nothing again.

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12 thoughts on “The Monster in my Mind

    1. Thank you Ali. Luckily I went through a lot of really expensive therapy after he went to prison and although today makes me think of him it doesn’t make me feel negative anymore. I do think I have to keep being open and talking though for that to continue being the case.

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  1. A horrible story and anniversaries apart, glad you were able to move on from him. Regardless to say my Dad was, is and will always be an asshole. I had a lot of abuse from him (physical and mental) and strangely enough he became alcoholic as well which made him even worse. We haven’t spoken now in 12 years. He was best man at my brother’s wedding 7 years ago and he didn’t acknowledge me at all – totally blanked me out. I was fine with that, my Mum (who’d divorced him 10 years earlier) wasn’t since I’ve never done the git any harm so whatever reason he has for shunning and ignoring me, well, that’s his own business. The therapy I had last year eradicated all remaining feelings and issues I had with him. Much better off without him and his ghastly family.

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      1. Very true. I decided in my late teens that I was never gonna be a parent, a decision I have never regretted. I know my faults and failings and knew I would never make a decent Dad. Having been through what I had, the thought of bringing a kid of my own into the world and maybe making mistakes was too frightening for me to bear.

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  2. Oh god, I feel for you. My Dad was an alcoholic but I was brought up by my Aunt and Uncle and better off for it too. A brave article and one that will give hope to those reading it who are in the situation and can see no way out. x

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    1. Thank you so much, and I think that is key, there is always an end even if it may not feel like it when you are living it. I’m glad you had your Aunt & Uncle it sounds like they were positive role models.

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  3. Thank you for sharing this story from your life. We try to learn from it, so your sharing is very important to others… That is why I have a question, one that would be different than you would think. You wrote: ….”my father is a monster. I think there is something very wrong with him.” Isn’t that the clue?His behavior is more like someone that has big mental health problems. The reason to write this, is, that your experiences basically are the same as mine: a father, caregiver that abuses power and confidence, and turned out to be a monster. Where you are ‘lucky enough’ to consider your father a monster, you are feeling victim ( I do not feel a victim) so that is alright. A victim of what person? Who is the person that did this? People that abuse and act like your father basically are mentally ill and need (real) help, whether they refuse or not. Your post made me think of my father, that drove me into organized sadistic sexual abuse group. Still, I do not see him as a monster. I see him as a man, that had completely lost his way. A man that hated me for his wrong purposes. Than one day, by hazard I read a small part of history. That clarified me most, not that he and others did not ruin my life, like your father did. But disorders and mental illness – including alcoholism- of parents also could be caused in severe and prolonged trauma, symptoms could arrive as pedophilia, alcoholism and violent behavior which all three could be signs and symptoms of complex childhood trauma. I am not at all in defending what you call the monster and what I still call my father, on the contrary. It’s a judgement knowing all circumstances, which will never take away all your troubles, pain , disasters in life, but just makes the perspective different. My father needed help. Mental Health, structure. Maybe the best thing he needed was love. He was extremely cruel. Loved people are not. Even when you keep the love inside you. By the way, it is known by me there are real evil people, real monsters in all type of terrains… but they also work at Child Protection at Justice and even in the governments of our countries. I wish you strength with these experiences,I hope you understand my point in this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your point of view. I think these things are very complex and each case is different. I have often wondered if my Dad has a mental illness, I do think my having a a mental illness could be related a to him in that way, but I don’t believe that is what drives what he does now, I don’t believe paedophelia is a symptom. That is another part of him. But, I’m also not a scientist, or psychologist and can’t make definite judgements on these things, just speculate my ideas on a man I don’t even know anymore. I wish you all the very best in the future with your own situation.

      Liked by 1 person

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