When I really started to seriously work on my Bipolar and learning how to live with it a couple of years ago there were a lot of different aspects of myself I had to face up to. One of those was how I had a tendency to mouth off at people, and not only that how I would defend myself for the things I would say when I mouthed off at people.
Sometimes, just very occasionally those rants would be justified, but on the most part I was being nothing more than a mouthy bitch, and it got me into a lot of trouble. This urge I had, still have, to mouth off is something I worked hard on. I looked at why I do it, how I can control it and times in my past when I have done it and how I could have handled the situations better.
One of the hardest things you can do is to look at yourself and say “you were wrong” to admit that you did the wrong thing and were out of control. To say that maybe, just maybe a part of your brain that you had no control over, had control over you. It upset me terribly working through these situations, realising all these friends who had deserted me when I most needed them had gone because I had pushed them away. I had been a monster to some of them and they had done what any rational person would do and protected themselves and walked away from the monster.
Today I had the opportunity to mend one of those bridges, and it went better than I could have imagined. It was someone who I first became friends with in primary school when I was 8. She was one of my only female friends through school as she was like me and friends with the boys so we hung out with the same people. Just after I got married, I flipped out at her and her partner for no good reason and was completely unreasonable, very nasty calling them both a number of horrible names and we haven’t spoken since, that was 8 years ago.
I went to the hairdresser today and she was in there, we sat together for 10mins had a good chat, I apologised to her and she was so nice about everything, we caught up quickly and of course reconnected on Facebook (as you do). A huge weight lifted from my shoulders, and even if our friendship doesn’t go back to what it was, at least the air is clear now.
There are plenty of other people I need to apologise to for similar things, I had a long period where I pretty much torpedoed every friendship I had and was not a nice person to be around. It would be good if I could mend some of those bridges and even if I don’t rebuild friendships at least show people I’m not the monster I acted like.
I’m pleased to say I know how to hold my tongue now. I can keep quiet when I really want to yell and I just sit and have a little dialogue in my head when someone is driving me nuts instead of spilling it all out at them! I’ve learned that sometimes silence is golden!