Sobriety Struggles

My sobriety is something I’m incredibly proud of, I don’t hide it and I’m not embarrassed to tell people the truth about why I don’t drink. I’m an alcoholic, I can’t, won’t, and don’t drink. It’s pretty simple.

There are two things that make me wobble. One is Christmas, I am not a fan of Christmas and there is so much pressure to drink over the Christmas period that it becomes a really difficult time. I’ve spoken with others and they have the same issue. Getting through the Christmas period is hard. Add that the anniversary of my becoming sober is on January 1st it’s an additional pressure to reach that next milestone at the end of that nightmare period.

The second thing that makes me wobble is anything connected with my bio-Dad. So knowing he is due out of prison again is giving me a real tip up. Personally I think they need to lock him up and throw away the key. He’s only going to end up back inside again, the sick fucker. But I have however long it takes knowing he may contact me/find me and so on. So there is that shit to deal with.

Hopefully, he won’t bother, last time he did try and I shopped him to the police, which is how they got him back in prison, because they used the info I gave them to bait him. I’m still not sure how I feel about that. Especially because I found out in the newspaper…again!

I use a name he doesn’t know online, my maiden name is nowhere to be seen any more. I’ve tried to make it difficult for him to find me but the bastard is clever, and there are people who know us both who tell him stuff.

I’ve talked a lot about him on here before but the cliff notes version for those who may have missed it. He is/was a violent alcoholic. I watched him beat my mother so badly for years she is now disabled because of damage to her spine he caused. He beat me so badly when I was 12 I thought it was game over, I remember curling into a ball during it and saying to myself “this is it Claire”, that was because I made friends with some boys on holiday and he thought I was being a hussy, disobeying him, not acting appropriately. I was a tomboy, making friends with boys was what I did.

My life has been shaped by his actions and the things he said, even though I haven’t seen him since I was 14. Then a few years ago I found out he went to prison for the first time, this was not long after I had tried to build some bridges with him as part of therapy I was having. He had sent me an email saying how much he was looking forward to seeing me then I never heard from him again. I later saw a newspaper story about him, published the same day as that email, meaning he knew he was going to prison, and why, and he never even hinted at it to me, I would guess because he knew what would happen when I found out. The newspaper story told of a man grooming a 12 year old child online, and the bottom fell out of my world. Despite everything he had ever done, all the neglect, the violence, I would never had thought he was a paedophile. But there it was, he was prosecuted and in prison. He’s now getting out for the second time, and I find it sickening that they can’t make the charges stick well enough to keep him in long term.

I will never, ever, let him near me or my family again knowing this about him. I could have forgiven him for what he did to me. But not that. never that. I used to be afraid of facing him, but now I live in fear for my Niece. He was always a monster but he’s become something so much worse than that.

So, today I’m taking a day for me, I’m processing my emotions, I’m allowing myself to wallow and feel crap. I’m letting myself struggle with my sobriety because it happens sometimes especially when I feel this way. What I won’t do is fall off the wagon and become hopeless and useless like him, I won’t let this consume me, and I won’t let him ruin my life any more than he has already.

 

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18 thoughts on “Sobriety Struggles

  1. A few things to say. First, enormous sympathy for what you’re going through and what that tosspot put you and your Mum through.

    It is high time that laws were altered and that it becomes an accepted FACT that paedophiles can NEVER be reformed – they WILL repeatedly offend henceforth, when they are thrown in prison, the key should be tossed away permanently. They should NEVER be allowed to be let loose and free again. Though I can understand you feeling unsure about how you feel about shopping him, you should feel good because you prevented another child becoming a victim.

    Lastly, how you are dealing with this to which I say “good on you!” I do believe that though we do our best to keep depression and misery at bay there are times – like yours right now – where we HAVE to allow ourselves a period of misery. In my case, I’m generally OK most days but there are occasional days where I give myself a few hours to be miserable and wallow. I think it’s healthy to do that. The trick is not letting it go on too long or else one starts to plunge further downward. I think you have a good grip and understanding on this situation and you know the pitfalls. Fact is, it is utterly un-natural to feel “happy” 24/7. There are times when we need to internalise… it’s never pleasant but we have to let things be… it’s all part of the coping strategies we form.

    Take it as steady as you can! (and apologies I haven’t yet emailed you as promised a few weeks ago… that will be rectified shortly)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are so insanely strong. I agree, you should take the day to wallow, feel like crap and process your emotions. You will stay on that wagon and make it to tomorrow, which will be a new day for you to keep moving forward. You’re so brave and strong and continue to inspire me!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Just as I think you can’t amaze me any more with what you are coping with something else raises it’s head to deal with. Take the time to be kind to yourself, wallow, shout, thump cushions whatever you need. You are an inspiration Claire .. as I keep saying one day at a time and if that doesn’t work one hour …..

    I’m with you on the prison sentencing .. it’s not the same situation but I have a male friend, we have known each other for years and are very close, totally out of the blue decided to confide in me that he had been convicted for sexual offences on children .. I had no idea how to deal with that!

    Sending you love and hugs as always xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much Ali. I’m doing much better now, wallowing is sometimes really beneficial, it’s just knowing when to stop.
      And Wow! That’s a huge blow to any friendship, I really feel for you having to deal with that. That is not a conversation I would wish on anybody.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. This kind of honesty is probably good for maintaining sobriety, so good for you.
    I can relate to some of this in my own way and I know it’s hard and nothing makes it easier or better but just keep going.

    Like

  5. Claire, I’m amazed at your strength and I commend you for it. I’m so sorry this is haunting you. I just can’t imagine.

    The way you talk about Christmas is how I feel about food when it comes to holidays. My holidays have always revolved around it and it’s a challenge, not to compare, but it made me think about it when you mentioned it.

    As far as your dad, I don’t know what to say. I think you’re doing the right thing though. I’m just sorry that you have to deal with it. I hate to say it, but your obviously better off. I tell myself the same thing. I strive for normalcy and can’t have that of my dad’s in the picture. I want my family to have something different, better, normal, than what I had. I hope that everything levels out and you can move on with your life. 💗 Hugs to you…I’m here if you ever want to talk…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Jenn. I was much better today, and went to my fitness class and worked my backside off getting all my crap out! Hah, turns out exercise is good for you!

      I get these wobbles occasionally, usually when I get news relating to him, then I pull myself together and get on again.

      As you said I’m better off without him in my life and that is enough to keep me sane!

      I’m so sorry food is a struggle for you, I’ve been there too, my family turn to food to fix everything so I had a terrible relationship with food for a long time.

      Liked by 1 person

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