My sobriety is something I’m incredibly proud of, I don’t hide it and I’m not embarrassed to tell people the truth about why I don’t drink. I’m an alcoholic, I can’t, won’t, and don’t drink. It’s pretty simple.
There are two things that make me wobble. One is Christmas, I am not a fan of Christmas and there is so much pressure to drink over the Christmas period that it becomes a really difficult time. I’ve spoken with others and they have the same issue. Getting through the Christmas period is hard. Add that the anniversary of my becoming sober is on January 1st it’s an additional pressure to reach that next milestone at the end of that nightmare period.
The second thing that makes me wobble is anything connected with my bio-Dad. So knowing he is due out of prison again is giving me a real tip up. Personally I think they need to lock him up and throw away the key. He’s only going to end up back inside again, the sick fucker. But I have however long it takes knowing he may contact me/find me and so on. So there is that shit to deal with.
Hopefully, he won’t bother, last time he did try and I shopped him to the police, which is how they got him back in prison, because they used the info I gave them to bait him. I’m still not sure how I feel about that. Especially because I found out in the newspaper…again!
I use a name he doesn’t know online, my maiden name is nowhere to be seen any more. I’ve tried to make it difficult for him to find me but the bastard is clever, and there are people who know us both who tell him stuff.
I’ve talked a lot about him on here before but the cliff notes version for those who may have missed it. He is/was a violent alcoholic. I watched him beat my mother so badly for years she is now disabled because of damage to her spine he caused. He beat me so badly when I was 12 I thought it was game over, I remember curling into a ball during it and saying to myself “this is it Claire”, that was because I made friends with some boys on holiday and he thought I was being a hussy, disobeying him, not acting appropriately. I was a tomboy, making friends with boys was what I did.
My life has been shaped by his actions and the things he said, even though I haven’t seen him since I was 14. Then a few years ago I found out he went to prison for the first time, this was not long after I had tried to build some bridges with him as part of therapy I was having. He had sent me an email saying how much he was looking forward to seeing me then I never heard from him again. I later saw a newspaper story about him, published the same day as that email, meaning he knew he was going to prison, and why, and he never even hinted at it to me, I would guess because he knew what would happen when I found out. The newspaper story told of a man grooming a 12 year old child online, and the bottom fell out of my world. Despite everything he had ever done, all the neglect, the violence, I would never had thought he was a paedophile. But there it was, he was prosecuted and in prison. He’s now getting out for the second time, and I find it sickening that they can’t make the charges stick well enough to keep him in long term.
I will never, ever, let him near me or my family again knowing this about him. I could have forgiven him for what he did to me. But not that. never that. I used to be afraid of facing him, but now I live in fear for my Niece. He was always a monster but he’s become something so much worse than that.
So, today I’m taking a day for me, I’m processing my emotions, I’m allowing myself to wallow and feel crap. I’m letting myself struggle with my sobriety because it happens sometimes especially when I feel this way. What I won’t do is fall off the wagon and become hopeless and useless like him, I won’t let this consume me, and I won’t let him ruin my life any more than he has already.