Defeating or Defeatest

Last week was very emotional for me for reasons I’m actually not going to go into for a change. Let’s just say I was a drained and beaten emotionally at a few points and as a result of that on Saturday I woke up with a horrible depression gripping me.

On Saturday I let it have me, I curled up on my sofa in sweats and I didn’t move all day. I was supposed to be visiting my Nan, I had promised, I didn’t go. I had grocery shopping to do, I didn’t. Saturday was all about me feeling it, I sat, and I absorbed how utterly worthless I felt.

I had screwed something up on the blog post that went out from my book site that morning and although I fixed it I spent all day telling myself how that was why I should quit blogging. How I was a terrible blogger, my stats suck, nobody gives a shit about anything I post anyway, and all I do is screw it up. One mistake and I spiralled it into an epic drama.

I hardly ate anything, I didn’t meditate, or do any of my self care to help calm my mind and I generally just let the depression get it’s greasy claws into me.

Sunday I woke up feeling worse, I was crying within minutes of waking up and again our plans for the day were scrapped. On Sunday though, I realised I needed to find some strength, I needed to look out for me, because the depression sure wasn’t.

So I did my meditation, I took that time to remind myself how to be calm and relaxed, even though my mind felt far from either. Then I started to do things that help me feel happy.

I wrote, I read, I watched movies and TV. I had a relaxing day, no pressure, it wasn’t hugely different from Saturday except I was actively trying to look after myself. I also bought myself tickets for a couple of things in the autumn so that’s something to look forward to.

Today I forced myself to stick to my normal routine, so despite my current negativity around my book blogging I wrote my posts, then I did some planning work for the book, then worked on editing for two chapters.

Tomorrow I am volunteering, honestly I’m worried about being in the office and having to contribute to a meeting in my current state of mind but I’m going to give it my all. Tomorrow night I’m going to a gig, this is what I’m looking forward to, I can always just let my hair down, let all my emotional baggage go at gigs and I’m hoping with that the depression might start to lift. Fingers crossed.

What I want to do, instead of all this is curl up in bed and never see or speak to anyone again but that seems really defeatest and I’ve worked really hard to get my life to this place, don’t want to screw it up now!


9 thoughts on “Defeating or Defeatest

  1. Claire, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Not to compare, but I’ve been having similar thoughts lately about blogging. Sometimes I wonder if we are mentally connected. 😉 You’re pushing through and you’re so strong. I hope you feel better soon. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. We talked offline, but I’m just getting to read posts now. Bad days happen. But you’re getting thru them. And I would be very upset if we didn’t get to talk ever again. So you are not allowed to go into hibernation. And if you make me come to England to kick your ass, there better be a road trip to the Cotswolds involved. 🙂

    Big hugs to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha! Now you’re making me want to hibernate just so we get to road trip! 😉
      Thank you for chatting last week, I didn’t speak to anyone else about that and you really helped so it was huge. And no hibernating, I am sat on the smelly bus right now. 😬


  3. Sorry you’re going through a rough patch Claire. I also appreciate that while you feel like this, it’s hard to be objective about blogging. Certainly give it a break, to take the pressure off, but then rethink about making it final. I often consider not bothering with mine if I compare it to others and look at stats, but then I remember I didn’t start it to be a blogger but just to post my reviews ( which are getting fewer and far between). Glad you enjoyed your concert, and hope it helps to lift you. Take care, Jill x

    Liked by 1 person

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