It’s been an age since I last posted on here. After my marriage ended I lost all my creativity and haven’t been in the mood to write. Wanting to write this is quite a surprise to me but I’m going to roll with it.
My life has been on a downward trajectory since my marriage ended. A few brief highs but for the most part it’s going nowhere fast.
I started the year off by making a new friend. A great distraction from my feelings of devastation and all the horrible things that were going through my head and to have somebody to hang out with which was great because I figured out really early on that I wasn’t good on my own.
I started suffering with loneliness which would get so bad I would have panic attacks when I was on my own for extended durations. I ended up going to counselling to get some help on how to deal with the situation because it was so unliveable.
Bring in the new year and I’ve fallen in love with my new friend and we’re trying a relationship. These are hesitant baby steps on my part I’m terrified of getting hurt again, which is exactly what happens a few months later when it ends making me swear off relationships forever. I can’t handle the heartbreak.
I made plans to move in with friends but everything fell apart with it so I’m stuck in my flat on my own.
I still get lonely, not as bad as before but I struggle. My friends are aware of it now and try to be there for me which I appreciate. I find the silence deafening it’s awful I play music all the time and I crave conversations with people the most.
There isn’t much that’s positive in my life. I try to have a positive outlook but the fact is my life is in a major slump, I’m depressed, my bipolar is on high alert and there is little to be happy about and it’s been that way for over a year now since my marriage ended. Last week I came close to ending my life, thank heavens for my parents intervening and getting me through that.
I don’t know what the answer is but I don’t want to continue living like this, feeling like this. I want to live and be happy and have a home.