Defeating or Defeatest

Last week was very emotional for me for reasons I’m actually not going to go into for a change. Let’s just say I was a drained and beaten emotionally at a few points and as a result of that on Saturday I woke up with a horrible depression gripping me. On Saturday I let it…… Continue reading Defeating or Defeatest

Crashing Down

I’ve posted a few times about Mental Health Voices the Twitter account I set up to develop a peer based community for people to be able to openly talk about mental health. What I don’t talk about are the problems I have related to running the account but I feel now is a time to…… Continue reading Crashing Down

Mental Health Awareness Week … Be Aware Always

Mental Health Awareness Week is upon us again, it’s a week when mental health becomes the buzz word once again. But for those of us living with a mental illness, mental health isn’t a buzzword and every week is mental health awareness week.  People like me talk about our mental health daily, we share our…… Continue reading Mental Health Awareness Week … Be Aware Always

Depression Awareness Week 2016 – Bipolar Depression

As I write I feel a long way from depression, in reality I’m one crisis. I’m currently on the verge of tipping into a full manic episode. If I do, then crisis point won’t be far and with it the fall into a deep dark depression.  As someone with bipolar this is my reality, I’m,…… Continue reading Depression Awareness Week 2016 – Bipolar Depression

The Other Side of Food Struggles

N.B. This post is in no way belittling, dismissing, or ignoring eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia. Please do not think I do not have love and sympathy for anybody suffering with these destructive diseases and know that I am very aware there is a severe lack of psychological support for them. This is merely…… Continue reading The Other Side of Food Struggles

Mental Health Week?

This week mental health has been a firm fixture in the news. It seems not a day has passed without an announcement or story popping up about mental health. This is great and we need to see more mental health stories appearing in the news. But a week like this shouldn’t be an anomaly. We…… Continue reading Mental Health Week?

Children’s Mental Health Week 2016

This year, the theme of Children’s Mental Health Week, is “building resilience” and teaching children how to “bounce forward” from life’s challenges. I was one of the lucky children who had access to mental health services. In 1989 at nine years old my Mum finally reached breaking point with my mental health, she knew…… Continue reading Children’s Mental Health Week 2016

Rehabilitation vs Recovery

There is much talk in the mental health community around recovery. People talk about their own recovery. Doctor’s talk about recovery. I don’t know about the rest of the U.K. but here in Bristol the primary care teams are even called Recovery. I’ve always had a problem with the word Recovery for several reasons. The main reason…… Continue reading Rehabilitation vs Recovery

A Brief Update

Hello to you all and a belated happy new year.  I felt it was time to just check in and let you all know I am OK.  Towards the end of last year I started to really struggle with aspects of my Bipolar and combined with consistent issues I was having on social media I…… Continue reading A Brief Update

Are “Goths” more Depressed?

Firstly, I’m going to say how much I hate the use of the word “goths” in this context, the people it refers to were apparently self-identifying so I will forgive it, but, there is a social stigma attached to calling anyone who wears anything alternative/black a goth, and there are so many sub-cultures people could…… Continue reading Are “Goths” more Depressed?

Why Online Friends Are Important To Me

Reblogged post from Jenny in Neverland about online friendships and why they are important.

Mental Health Awareness Patch

Originally posted on BY LAUREN HAYLEY:
Earlier today I came across an interesting article from the International Bipolar Foundation (IBPF) which you can find by clicking here. The new scheme put into place by IBPF allows young girls across America to earn a Mental Health Awareness Patch as apart of their Girl Guides, Girl Scouts…

Guest Post – Canada

This was just so beautifully written I had to share. I have Canadian friends here in the UK and I shuddered when I saw the news yesterday saddened for the family of the poor soldier, just doing his job.

Learning to Fly

“Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return.” ― Leonardo da VinciToday was visit the psychiatrist day, my penultimate appointment with her as I start my CBT therapy next week so will be discharged…… Continue reading Learning to Fly

Liebster Awards

“I want to win an award that doesn’t exist yet. Well, I want my clone to win it, and that’s almost the same thing—and he also doesn’t exist yet, so it’s perfect.” ― Jarod Kintz, This is the best book I’ve ever written, and it still sucksA slightly different post this morning, as RelaxDamit! Nominated…… Continue reading Liebster Awards

Meeting Anxiety

“Some people grumble that roses have thorns; I am grateful that thorns have roses.” ― Alphonse Karr, A Tour Round My GardenOn the first of this month after twenty-four hours of hell, caused by two separate family drama’s which both dramatically came to a head at the same time and both somehow putting me at…… Continue reading Meeting Anxiety

The Paranoia of Paranoia

“Paranoid? Probably. But just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean there isn’t an invisible demon about to eat your face.” ― Jim Butcher, Storm FrontThe thing with being Bipolar is, you never quite know what each day will bring. You just manage each day as it comes the best you can and hope that you make…… Continue reading The Paranoia of Paranoia

A Huge Thank You

Wow, this has easily been one of the hardest few weeks of my life. I have only just read all of the comments left here last week but am touched beyond words.I have felt so alone and afraid and all of the words from you all are a bit more of a boost to keep…… Continue reading A Huge Thank You

My Final Entry

Today I was told by someone close to me that I was “equally responsible” for the situation that lead to my suicide attempt this week. Equally responsible for being bullied online for over 18months and not saying a word until this week, equally responsible for having people come to me and tell me the awful…… Continue reading My Final Entry

Regrets, I Have A Few…

“We all do things we desperately wish we could undo. Those regrets just become part of who we are, along with everything else. To spend time trying to change that, well, it’s like chasing clouds.” ― Libba BrayWarning: this post will contain triggers please don’t read if you are feeling sensitive or on edge.It’s now…… Continue reading Regrets, I Have A Few…

The Suicide’s Soliloquy

Here, where the lonely hooting owlSends forth his midnight moans,Fierce wolves shall o’er my carcase growl,Or buzzards pick my bones.No fellow-man shall learn my fate,Or where my ashes lie;Unless by beasts drawn round their bait,Or by the ravens’ cry.Yes! I’ve resolved the deed to do,And this the place to do it:This heart I’ll rush a…… Continue reading The Suicide’s Soliloquy

Washed Out

“Did you really want to die?””No one commits suicide because they want to die.””Then why do they do it?””Because they want to stop the pain.”― Tiffanie DeBartolo, How to Kill a Rock StarI tried to kill myself today… I didn’t try hard enough.I doubt my Sister and I will ever speak again, I doubt I…… Continue reading Washed Out

When is Enough Really Enough

“Enough is not a quantity. It’s a deadline.” ― Sean DonahueI’ve had a few, shall we say, awkward situations develop recently which today came to a head. One very directly the other more indirectly but in both cases my ability to continue playing nice and being the good guy who said and did the right…… Continue reading When is Enough Really Enough

Just Because I Smiled…

“Smiling is confusing, she thought. This is why I don’t do it.” ― Rainbow Rowell, FangirlOne of the biggest pet peeves of anyone with mental illness I’ve ever spoken to is the assumptions of other people, especially those assumptions made around if we smile everything is absolutely fine and we are no longer sick.It’s as…… Continue reading Just Because I Smiled…

Blurt It Out – The Book

Not something I normally publish here but this book is raising money for a worthy charity and so is worth the mention!

Being OK with OK

“We all want everything to be okay. We don’t even wish so much for fantastic or marvelous or outstanding. We will happily settle for okay because most of the time, okay is enough.” ― David Levithan, Every DayOne of the things I’ve strived most for through my life is to be happy. Through all of…… Continue reading Being OK with OK

Hoping for Some Hope

“Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without words, andnever stops at all.”—Emily Dickinson I have been distinctly distant from here for a while. I needed some time to deal with my very real demons, to move away from the house I was living in and to…… Continue reading Hoping for Some Hope

Finally, The Twig Just Snapped

“Sometimes I think there’s a beast that lives inside me, in the cavern that’s where my heart should be, and every now and then it fills every last inch of my skin, so that I can’t help but do something inappropriate. Its breath is full of lies; it smells of spite.” ― Jodi Picoult, Handle…… Continue reading Finally, The Twig Just Snapped

Making A Stand … Again

“God honors you when you take a stand for what is right.” ― Jim GeorgeI made the decision that my biological father had no place in my life when his violence turned on my at twelve. It was to be his first and last attack on me.I made the decision to cut ties with him…… Continue reading Making A Stand … Again

The Safety of a Library

“It was good to walk into a library again; it smelled like home.” ― Elizabeth Kostova, The HistorianI haven’t been to a library since I was 18. Having got into the habit of buying books I wanted to read in the past 16 years I haven’t so much as stepped foot into a library. Forgetting…… Continue reading The Safety of a Library

The Perks of Medication

“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.” ― Charles BukowskiOK, by the standards of the normal person, I’m a sick bumbling mess. But by my standards I have had a pretty good weekend. Granted, the meds are keeping my mood stable, I’ve had no nasty triggers this weekend, and I’ve…… Continue reading The Perks of Medication

"A Recovery Journey To Reach Contentment, Serenity, And A Little Spiritual Peace"….

This post really moved me, I have never gambled but I have caused my Husband and I to have to apply for bankruptcy as a result of my incessant spending habits whilst in manic phases. I also got involved in drugs in my early twenties after I was raped and before I was diagnosed with…… Continue reading "A Recovery Journey To Reach Contentment, Serenity, And A Little Spiritual Peace"….

Don’t Define Who You Are By What You Have

I wanted to share this post because this was something I also struggled with for a long time. When I first was diganosed with Bipolar I defined myself as bipolar. It took a long time for me to make that separation and realise that the bipolar didn’t define me it was just an illness I…… Continue reading Don’t Define Who You Are By What You Have

Don’t Let A Music Legacy Be Closed

“If I were not a physicist, I would probably be a musician. I often think in music. I live my daydreams in music. I see my life in terms of music.”― Albert EinsteinThe Bristol music scene is facing a fight, and while I have been quiet on this blog for some time, this fight has…… Continue reading Don’t Let A Music Legacy Be Closed

Medicating the Stress

“Even bipolar vampires needed sleep from time to time, and he was well past his recommended safe dosage of stress.” ― Rachel Caine, Black DawnI’ve taken a break from writing for a few days after the events of last week. Actually, I’ve taken a break from pretty much everything after the events of last week.…… Continue reading Medicating the Stress

Saving Fleece.

This venue is such an institution within Bristol. Losing it would be a huge blow to the City. Especially when we were named City of Culture in 2008 and have a music scene we should be very proud of. This post is wonderfully written and I wanted to share…

Pills and Spills

Once upon a time, I started a blog on the advice of a psychiatrist I was seeing who thought it would help me to not only write down my thoughts and feelings much like I always had I a journal, but to also get feedback on those musings from an online community of anonymous peers.This…… Continue reading Pills and Spills

NEWS: Three new releases tomorrow!

Keep an eye out tomorrow when Iron Bonehead Productions make three releases from bands signed to their label.Firstly is the LP version of Beyond’s Fatal Power of Death, secondly is Ancient Crypt’s Devoured by Serpents demo which is released on a pro-printed cassette(!), finally is a split 7″ featuring Chilean Unaus Sprechlichen Kulten and Godless.…… Continue reading NEWS: Three new releases tomorrow!

EP Review: Arkhamin Kirjasto – Undead Priest of Holy Trinity of Death

As I mentioned in my post yesterday, Arkhamin Kirjasto are due to release this EP on July 18th. Recorded in the same sessions as they recorded their debut album ‘Torches Ablaze’ it features three new tracks.Opening with title track ‘Undead Priest of Holy Trinity of Death’ this is a very sublime take on the death…… Continue reading EP Review: Arkhamin Kirjasto – Undead Priest of Holy Trinity of Death

NEWS: Three releases to look out for in July

There are three Finnish releases coming on July 18th which will rock your socks off so keep your ear to the grindstone for these tasty morsels:Undead Priest of Holy Trinity of Death from Arkhamin Kirjasto, a 7″ EP featuring three brand new songs.Tracklisting: Undead Priest of Holy Trinity of Death The Nomad Spellbound & TorturedHopejärvi…… Continue reading NEWS: Three releases to look out for in July

NEWS: Spawn Of Satan/Sathanas – Split 7" EP

This single which is split between these two unsung heroes of death metal; Sathanas and Spawn of Satan give us a taster of these bands from 1988.Tracklisting1. Spawn of Satan – Ritual Murder2. Sathanas – Unholy EternalYou can stream a preview of this from:

NEWS: Bestial Warlust to release Satan’s Fist – Demo 96

Bestial Warlust are releasing their Satan’s Fist – Demo 96 on vinyl and limited edition CD. This is a rare find and will be a bonus to any black metal collection.Tracklisting:1) “Left for Vultures”2) “Hell’s Militia” 3) “Satan’s Fist”Exclusive streaming preview available at

News: Deiphago Streaming New Album

  Deiphago are offering an exclusive stream of their new album, Satan Alpha Omega, at the Zero Tolerance magazine’s website! The stream is of the entire album offering fans a chance to ‘try before they buy’ so go and check it out before the stream is taken down! 

The Grand National: A National Disgrace

I’ve always been very much against horse racing of any kind, and have countless arguments about it with friends and family alike, but The Grand National is by far the worst of all known races, at least in the UK. Many people see it as a ‘bit of fun’ and for these people it’s the…… Continue reading The Grand National: A National Disgrace

EA Games Closing Online Services…

Having spent the last 15 months on a diet I decided it was time to put in a bit more effort and start working for my weight-loss. After all I can’t stay looking like a oompa-loompa forever can I?!I had the EA Sports Active 2 game for my PS3 all ready and waiting (thanks @merewillis…… Continue reading EA Games Closing Online Services…

Goodbye Gramps – a personal eulogy

We’ve all lost people close to us, yesterday my Gramps passed away after several months of being severely ill. It’s been a tough few months for everybody, especially him. I wanted to write this post as my own personal eulogy to this wonderful man and the impact he made on my life.

Customer Services – The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

This past week I’ve had one of those customer service experiences which leaves you tearing your hair out and wishing to God you’d never come across the company in question.The thing is, not all experiences are like this and whilst I felt the need to rant and rave about how awful said company were, I…… Continue reading Customer Services – The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Teaching Blog Writing

I work at an Internet marketing agency which means we are constantly changing the way we do things, the Internet changes all the time and to stay ahead of the curve we need to change with it. It makes life exciting, it means that my job is always interesting and never boring.Because of these changes…… Continue reading Teaching Blog Writing

2012, A New Year

As I start the first day of the new year I am reminded of my resolution for 2011; To be more positive. Not an easy thing for most people, for someone with a history of bipolar it was quite the task.Despite numerous setbacks with my health, financial worries, and other stresses I did pretty well…… Continue reading 2012, A New Year

Back To Basics

A little while ago I posted how my family and I had made a pact not to buy each other Christmas presents this year, we spoke about it in the summer deciding that Christmas gets too expensive for no good reason and that spending time together was more important. The decision was made that only…… Continue reading Back To Basics

Review: Whitechapel – Recorrupted

Whitechapel are the awesome deathcore band from Tennessee. Recorrupted is a limited edition EP being released via Metal Blade records on November 8th.The EP features one original song Section 8,the grinding guitars and raw vocals are pure Whitechapel and ensure that this intense track will hook fans and guarantee their buy in to this EP.The…… Continue reading Review: Whitechapel – Recorrupted